Broken Home

i purchased a home earlier this year 

it was the happiest i’d been in a while 

and i purchased it with this guy

who made me feel great at the time 

the funny thing about this home is that it was a fixer-upper 

it had a foundation that was not that strong 

and the seller told us the frames were one brand when it was actually another 

we tried our best to fix it

but we could never locate the brand

so the house sank slowly

and when it rained 

it flooded

and though we kept trying 

it was too rainy each day

and we could never fix that foundation 

so slowly our basement started to flood 

and what little foundation we did have started fail as well

oh but it didn’t stop there

we had major heating and cooling issues

some days it was super hot in the middle of the day

so hot we couldn’t think

we didn’t want to turn on the stove so we didn’t eat

and we starved 

sometimes for days 

and we were never truly okay, until the maintenance woman came one day and she fixed our air 

and then it got unbearably cold. 

i was really the only one who experienced

the cold 

he was always stepping out and running errands 

so he got to experience the heat 

but little ole me?

i was in the house 

watering our plants 

making our meals 

and trying to make up for the nourishment we didn’t receive during our heat spike. 

but he’d always come back full

the plates i’d make would never get ate 

and it made me appetite grow smaller 

i suffered most of the cold by myself too

i slept great with the comfort of my blanket, but i would often wake up and he wouldn’t be near

i’d wake up cold, lost and full of fear 

but i knew he’d probably just been up early warming himself up 

 i tried to turn the air up a little bit 

and relied on ice water to keep myself cool and contained 

i even did breathing exercises to alleviate my pain 

it still wasn’t enough. 

i was exhausted

my temperature was so irregular

and it didn’t matter how hot or cold it was 

i started to see less and less of him

my home was his house

but it didn’t feel like his home

then one day he told me he was going out with friends but he never did return home.

he’d left me all alone

and i never heard from him again. 

i mourned his loss. 

uncertain with what happened to him 

i called.

i prayed.

i begged.

i pleaded for him to come back. 

nothing.

and then i started to have bad dreams. 

ominous feels and mixed thoughts.

i’d hear noises 

and  see ghost-like figures. 

i decided the house was haunted.

i couldn’t bear it anymore 

and i finally had to abandon it. 

i couldn’t figure out why this had happened to me

because i’d. put so much blood sweat and tears into fixing this house 

and i barely wanted it in the first place

then it clicked.

it really wasn’t for me.

i was cold

and hot

starved yet not hungry 

alone but i could feel something roaming

i had to leave

so on the last day there i thought i’d confront the ghost 

but it never did speak back to me

in fact i was more spooked at the fact that it was aware i was trying to communicate with it.

i decided this house belonged to no one.

and i didn’t want to sell it anywhere

so i packed my shit

and i covered the house in gas. 

each memory of every room flooded my mind. 

from an empty fridge, to a frozen ac coil 

to a thermostat that read 86.

i poured that gas everywhere.

and i weeped. 

i took one more look at that house

and i ruminated on what it meant to me

and what i hope it meant to him. 

and i hoped he didn’t die.

cause i know a part of me did

specifically in that fire.

i lit the match and closed my eyes. 

then i went back to my apartment. 

build just for me

and went sound asleep