an ode to my bald self

i cut my hair like 4 months ago

because i wanted to kill myself

and i wanted to kill myself because 

life is a lot

it’s full of ups and downs

disappointments 

and the pressure to succeed 

because it’s hard to succumb to the idea that even at your best

someone with much worse characteristics

is thriving. 

they’re swimming in money 

with several options of people to date 

of whom they’re dating 3

and playing 4

so it really doesn’t matter what they do

because the universe will just grant them more.

while you keep trying

trying to live and not be poor 

to have good skin and to be adored 

maintain good principles and not be a bore

and work tirelessly so you don’t sleep on the floor.

and all your simple indulgences become your chores 

your skincare, your food, your gym, your core

then it all becomes too hard to ignore

and then you ask

“what the fuck am i even doing this for?”

hitting my breaking point.

and after beating yourself up 

you step back into your body a little sore 

soak your body

lay in the bed and snore 

and then it all comes to you

as in dream in hour 4

you’re doing it for you.

see what i learned while being bald was perspective

when i cut my hair, i killed myself.

but i came back, in a different body. 

i was now bald and a transgender woman. 

this statement is an oxymoron. 

as up until this point 

a large portion of my transgender identity was predicated on my passability.

my happiness was my hair.

it was gone. 

i had to find new meaning.

i had to talk to people regularly as if i was not carrying the weight of no longer having hair. 

i knew when i cut my hair that it would hurt worse than death. 

my shield was gone

i was cold

vulnerable 

and in fear

or so i thought

because what i had been focusing on and growing for so long, decimated.

i didn’t realize it then

but my act of self harm

was my emancipation 

it allowed me to live my life and my identity fully and freely 

without the societal pressure of passability and desirability on my back

my protection went from my helmet

to my heart. 

i hardened my skull to not need a helmet anymore. 

i thickened my skin to not need protection

and i shifted my perspective to self love overall. 

love is a shield 

only you can make it

and only you can wield it. 

and that’s what i learned.

when i killed myself.

.